Jerry and I have had a routine in our marriage all nearly 59 years. Every night before we go to sleep, we read MY UTMOST FOR GOD'S HIGHEST, by Oswald Chambers. Last night, the book told us that we have to get rid of the idea that we know ourselves. We only think we know ourselves. Only God knows us perfectly. And we have to first get rid of the pride that tells us that we know ourselves.
Mark 4:4 tells us: "When they were alone, Jesus explained all things to his disciples." This tells me that Jesus wants to be alone with me. And I am not alone with Jesus much at all. And I wasn't alone last night, yet it seemed that Jesus spoke to me in the quiet before I slept.
Jesus reminded me of when I was a little girl. Just a baby, really, still in a kiddie-car, like a car, on wheels, but motivated by the baby's feet. My father worked miles away for a week at a time and my mother ran a small grocery store, basically alone. They tied the kiddie-car to a post in the middle of the store after moving all of the potatoes and bean bins out of the way, and there I was left to entertain myself. I'm sure mother had plenty of time for me, but basically I was on my own.
When my baby sister was born, I was jealous. How I wanted to be special! She got to be held! That's what I wanted! I wanted to be held! But I was three. I was now the big girl. She got curly hair! No! I had the curly hair! I glued it to her head. Yes, I did. I took the glue pot on the desk in the store and glued every curl to that little head.
These things I knew about myself and they troubled me. How could such a little child be so full of jealousy? As I grew, I hated these things about myself, so I tried to forget them.
But even a child's sins need to be forgiven and to my knowledge, a spanking doesn't do it. Something greater began to grow in my mind, and never, until last night, did I deal with it.
Over the years--and I have had many!--I see now that I have had many fits of jealousy. None have been acknowledged with pots of glue, but with hurt feelings. My girlfriends friendships with each other seemed stronger than my own. My own children preferring each other's time to mine. And Jerry! Thank goodness he never looked at another woman to my knowledge. These are just some small examples of my jealousy.
Someone else being chosen for a job I wanted. Hard work being accredited to another. Big things and little things have left me feeling jealous and some to the point of anger.
Then! I took that jealousy--and the tears I was shedding--and pounded that jealousy right into the cross of Jesus! That's what we learned in church yesterday morning and I did it! I pounded those jealous moments and others like them right into that cross that Jesus died on! Of course this was in my mind and heart, but it didn't matter. Jesus was right there, and He was smiling!
Oh, how loved I felt! And it taught me something very big. God wants all of us! He wants you and me to win a race where He is the prize. He doesn't want us in middle ground worrying about our being second, or third or fourth! Nope! He wants us in first place, right where He is.
And where He is, is where I want to be. Why should I be jealous of anyone when I am so loved by a King! Loved and forgiven! Just think of it!
I must be alone more and more with Jesus! It is so good for me!
Fondly, Jo in MN
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