TODAY I SAW MY SINFUL NATURE REALLLY AT WORK

I am low, really low.  I'm not sure how to tell you, or even if I should.  I am glad I am not alone.  Would it be better if I were?  No, because I don't really want to be here  on this earth anymore.  Yet I am here, and I am suffering. I'm not suffering because of what someone else has done.  I am suffering because of what I have done.


First, we are a family of more than a few who believe in Christ as our Savior.  And we enjoy being together. So, yesterday we had homemade pizza at our son's house and all were invited. I brought fruit. It was really lovely; my daughter in law and son are wonderful hosts. And all the family felt festive.


One of the sweet and talented young husbands there began a game that left me cold, as it was a silly game of what kind of people from what area of the US sounded like "this?"  And a word was said in a dialect hinting where the dialect was being said, with laughing and merriment  following.


It hurt me a bit, remembering my husband's years in the Navy which he performed as a  dentist.
We were the only family from the mid-west.  All the rest of the dentists and their wives were from the New York area, easterners to the core.  We took a lot of teasing, and otherwise indications that the Midwest was backward as can be.  Although my husband had graduated from one of the best dental schools in the country, knew more than most of the new dentists from the East, and was put in situations to take the place of the dentists on leave who were the specialists at that base, because we did not have  the Eastern Graces acceptable to them, and had two little girls while they were childless, we were rather  on the "OUTS." So we were glad when we got out 3 months early, never forgetting what it felt like to be discriminated against.  And that's why this game that was played by a few in our family cut so deeply.


In an attempt to teach, I spoke to the main fellow who had promoted the game on that terrible night. He was a young talented husband married to one of my granddaughters. and I tried to show how it feels to be made fun of.  After all, though, it was just a simple game!  When the whole night was over....and into the next day, we met again with the mom and dad.  Almost at the end of their visit,  after lunch, etc. they proceeded to tell me that I had told the young man that "he was at the end of my list."


I couldn't believe it.  I  can't still imagine myself saying such a thing.  But I guess that I did.


I have written him a note of apology, but it isn't enough.  I don't think I could ever take my own life, but I must admit I don't feel so good, or like I want to stay here on this earth for I am terribly ashamed.  I don't know what else to do, but hope he accepts my deepest apology.


I wish I was dead, to be honest.  I am so very ashamed.  I hope that you will each one pray for me that I will be able to continue in this life, somehow, with hope that I can do a little better next time.  I have no reason to think that it is a lie.  But I have absolutely no memory of saying such a thing.


Please pray for me, won't you?  I am distraught and very sad and ashamed.


Jo INMN