Greetings, followers! I'm sorry to have ignored these pages for the last few days, but I have been embroiled in private warfare. It has taken days of journaling, and constant awareness, to say nothing of a lot of prayer!
I won't go into it entirely as you would be bored. Suffice it to say, I have had some soul-searching to take care of and some attention given to the God who speaks to us in our minds and hearts. In journaling parts of both the Old and New Testaments in the past week or so, I have recognized that God was speaking to me personally. No, I did not hear His voice, but I felt His presence through what I was reading.
Through my past history, I have tried to amend some of my behavior, because I am quick to anger or take offense. Whether the offense is imagined or un-intended, it didn't matter. My offense was usually present. And there were other things I had not corrected.
When I began to see my actions as not only hurtful to others and to myself, but to God...I had to pay attention. It started innocently enough with journaling the last of my blogs...Give Yourself Away. This taught me to give myself away to friends and family, just like Paul, who wanted to be just like Jesus, who eventually gave all of himself away at the Crucifixion.
Next, I repeated the lesson of thankfulness. I felt compelled to thank God for loving me and forgiving me for the human nature that could become hurtful to others and myself, and bring sadness to God.
Following that day's message, I found I had to ask God to forgive me for the years of shame due to failures which began when I was practically a baby until today. I had never forgiven myself and was filled with old shame and then continued to suffer shame with every new failure. Shame was my middle name. I wrestled with shame and had sorrow in my heart. And then I discovered Psalm 13!
Psalm 13:5,6 helped me to see how God was comforting me through the rigors of changing my life. These words are now written in several places in our home, so that I can quickly find them. They are, for me, a prayer of freedom from hurt and shame. I have not yet memorized them, but I do know where they are written on paper. Said as a prayer to the Lord, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to you, Lord, for you have been good to me."
You may wonder how it is doing the work I need for it to do--giving me the strength to master my inclination to lose my temper because I suspect I am being offended. When I say this prayer to the Lord, I am reminded how good I have it and how good He has always been to me.
Psalm 13 also says in verse 2, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts? And every day have sorrow in my heart?" God knows that I visit this wrestling and this sorrow. And so Psalm 13 continues to tell me, " I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation."
What more can anyone ask for? Love enough to hang on a cross in my place and love enough to return to me the gift of my salvation. It was all in God's plan; all in a day's work!
I look forward to His next lesson...with a glad heart and hopeful mind. And I also look forward to hearing God's reminders that His love can conquer all fear and shame. I'll share if it's what God wants me to do.
Your friend in Christ,
Minnesota Jo
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