MY HEART WAS NOT RIGHT BEFORE GOD

You may be wondering about the title of this blog. Well, my heart was not right before God, and I just discovered the truth of it.  My heart couldn't  quite forgive some hurtful happenings in the past.  I said the words of forgiveness, but I never got to the place of forgiveness.  I thought I had, strangely enough, forgiven those involved.  But, the hurt remained, and I still don't quite know what to do about that.


For a few years, it seemed like I was everyone's pin cushion. No matter what I tried to  do, it didn't quite make the grade, and I lost my job, my status, and my good feelings about myself.  Now, I have a better understanding of these things, and believe I am free of bitterness, but the timing is off to make reconciliations with people,  places and things. So,, whatever I need to do, I need to do it privately....with God. And about that bitterness...I may need to deal with it once again, so here goes.


I've often wondered if I over-estimate my own worth. To some degree, I believe that to be true.  For instance, I have a lot of "nerve" to think that anyone would want to read what I have to say. But I came to trust my blogging isn't overconfidence, but the desire to know I'm doing something which may help another find their way to God or into God's service.


I truly see myself as a person who is perfectly imperfect.  In other words, I am just as God formed me.  And from the time I was a little one, I and others saw my imperfections and dealt with them.
I have always been easily hurt.  And if you were to ask a professional, the professional would probably say, " She has a high opinion of herself,  therefore, she is easily hurt when others disagree."


And as a child of God, I maybe do have a high opinion of myself.  I am His. His Spirit lives in me. And yet that, too, is flawed, for there are times that I think with God's Spirit within me, I can do whatever is asked of me.


The one thing that makes that unlikely is this:  Other people equally blessed may not agree that I can do whatever is asked of me.  In fact, they may have desired the very task I agreed to take on.  Or, they have suspicions that I don't have the faintest idea of how to handle the task I accepted.


Now, I am unsure of how to rid myself of two things: over-appreciating myself just because God is with me and expecting others to find me an excellent choice for the job I'm doing. So, somebody gets hurt, and hurt feelings have a tough job healing.


So, what?  I don't really know!  But I do know that no one should hang onto those hurts! What we need is another bag for collection each week, one for hurt feelings that are of no value to anyone. And even more than the regular garbage, hurt feelings really smell worse than stinky. Therefore, I want no part of them.


I pray that you, my friend, like me, will know yourself as a person who always needs God  for support and encouragement.  If you find that in another person, it will probably be a person who also needs God. And I also pray, friend, that you will be open to further teaching..just like me!  for I know that is a-coming!


God bless us both  that our hearts may always be right with God.


Your friend, Jo