May 29, 2006, Jo chose to write about the Word from Romans 10:15, and it became part of our journal. "Before you trust, you have to listen. But unless Christ's Word is preached, there's nothing to listen to."
"A recent word was said to me that hit home. "The reason you have not been able to change the characteristic impulse to give an angry response to certain statements that bug you is that you get some pay-off of some kind that you don't want to give up." I had hated my usual angry responses as they broadcast my lack of maturity and unforgiving spirit.
"I was astounded, but knew the words rang true. Something within me didn't want to change because I needed it the way it was. Deep, I thought, almost too deep for me to understand. But, my problem
solving mind said, "O.K. What do I do about it?" The answer was, "Find the payoff!" And I knew it made sense in a kind of corrupted sort of way.
"My first step was to pray. "God, show me what it is that my unconscious mind does not want to give up." And now, (and even still later) I am in process, waiting for understanding. I am convinced it will come, and in the meantime, I'm backing off from areas of work that may bring more conflict. I'm happy and relieved, as I write this last paragraph almost a year later. (And now 10 yrs. later.)
"The words spoken to me were said with tough love, and I will always be grateful that person chose to take the risk and tell me a truth no one else had ever been willing to do. Then I prayed, 'God I will need you once again, and again, and again. I trust your love. May I once more listen and hear your voice. Amen.'"
Now, ten years later, I cannot say the problem is entirely solved. But, God has shown me that in my early childhood, it was instilled in me that naughty things were bad, and the question, "You don't want to be a bad girl, do you?" came very often in my early existence. My poor mother was left with a nosy little girl riding around the grocery store in a kiddie car while roped to a pole in the middle of the small room. The potatoes in their bins were just our of reach, and other temptations out of reach as well. Too many temptations for that baby and this busy mom tried to keep her child from making messes all over the floor. My father was gone all week from the store, barbering in Chicago, IL, a state away. What was a mommy to do? But, perhaps what needed to be done, also did some bit of harm by encouraging a child to grow up fearing to make mistakes.
So, I think knowing this lets me forgive, forgive myself and also my incredibly busy and loving mother. It has helped me to understand what fear can do, and when I hear someone criticize me, the fear attacks."You are screwing up again!" Yes, perhaps I will. But perhaps it can be re-done in a better way! Today, I pray that my fear does not bring anger before my good sense tells me, "Fear? Phooey! Anger? Go away! Thanks, Lord Jesus!"
And I pray for you, too, that you may not be troubled in any way by fear or anger because your Lord is right there pulling for you!
Jo INMN
No comments:
Post a Comment