In Romans 10:15, we read, "Before you trust, you have to listen. But unless Christ's Word is preached, there's nothing to listen to."
A recent word was said to me that really hit home. "The reason you have not been able to change the characteristic impulse to give an angry response to certain statements that bug you is that you get some pay-off of some kind that you don't want to give up."
I was astounded, but the words rang true,. Something within me didn't want to change because I needed it the way it was. Deep; almost too deep for me, lay my problem. But my problem solving mind bit and inquired, "O.K. What do I do about it? Find the Pay-off!" Easier said than done, but I knew that it made sense in a corrupted sort of way. So, I prayed!
"God, show me what it is that my unconscious mind does not want to give up! Thank you, Lord. Amen."
And now, I am in process, waiting for understanding. I am convinced it will come, and in the meantime, I'm backing off from areas of work that may bring more conflict. God's in charge! He will show me what my "pay-off" is, and what to do about it.
The words spoken to me were said in tough-love, and I will always be grateful to that person who chose to take the risk and tell me a truth no one else had ever been willing to do. I did find the "Pay-off." It was the sense of power that I got from my retaliation when I have been reminded of an imperfection. I will try hard to be grateful, henceforth, for this reminder of tough love. And am trying hard to hear of my imperfections without need of retaliation, but, instead, to be thankful for the reminder!
I will always be grateful for that person who chose to take the risk and tell me a truth no one else had ever been willing to do.
God, I will need you once again, and again, and again. I trust your love. May I once more listen and hear your voice. Amen.
Jo in MN
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